I was really looking forward to leading worship. The songs were chosen. The band was locked in and it looked like the worship service was looking really good. One day I could feel my voice having a bit of a strained tickle…the next day it was completely gone. Those trying to be encouraging told me it would only be for a couple of days. So I used my nebulizer and drank tea. I sucked on lozenges like my life depended upon it and tried to drink water to hydrate my vocal cords but to no avail.
One week passed.
Then one month.
All I could do was barely whisper. My throat didn’t hurt. I wasn’t coughing. I called the doctor to see about getting into an ENT. We had a worship conference coming up that I was not only leading worship at but speaking at. Time was of the essence. Could someone inject steroids directly into my vocal cords to see if there could be some forced progress. I went on a very powerful antibiotic which wrecked havoc with my stomach for a month. Nothing would bring back my voice…nothing helped…not one bit. I was forced to be silent. People were trying to be gracious but I could see some getting impatient with me when trying to interact with me. Some were empathic with their concern growing alongside my own.
My thoughts and fears included: What would my voice be like if or when it ever came back? Would I be forced to find a new occupation instead of Pastor of Worship? Would I ever be able to preach or coach again? Was I being punished for something? What was I supposed to learn through all of this?

AH! There it was…the RIGHT question to be asking: What was God trying to teach me through this experience? All control had been taken from me. No medical expert could help. No home remedy worked. No amount of impatience on my part or from others would change a thing. The return of my voice would not be rushed. And so several lessons emerged that continue to cycle through my mind and heart.

Lesson One: It is far more important to listen than to speak. First, I learned a LOT about people in those two months. When people have a willing listener who will patiently hear them out they often want to share something about themselves or their dreams. In such a self-centred society it is rare to have another actually want to hear from you about you. Second, I learned a LOT about MYSELF! How often was I listening to respond instead of listening to hear and understand well? When you can’t expel your thoughts immediately when they come to mind you have more time to reflect on your knee-jerk response and it gave me time to reflect on how I would have immediately responded instead of carefully thinking out what I would say and what my response said about my own heart and mind.

Lesson Two: Progress cannot be rushed. My vocal-condition was simply a life-lesson in leadership and how sometimes where you want to get to is simply not possible with the snap of a finger or some injection of people. Things often don’t change immediately. If they do it usually means it won’t last or change has come at a severe price of conflict. As much as we want to see change as leaders, as people, the reality is change will come through patience and perseverance. I am certain I will need to come back and read this back to myself time and time again in the future.

Lesson Three: I am not in control. This is by FAR the greatest lesson I learned. As much as the world tells me I am the captain of my own destiny…as much as leadership books tell me the correct formula to get to where I want by making the right choices at the right time, in reality, I am called to make good choices but I am not in control. In this experience God spoke so clearly to me that HE is the one who gives the voice and takes it away. It reminded me of the conversation he had with Moses in Exodus 4, “Then the LORD said to him, “Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the LORD?”” How often do I believe that I can wake up and control each aspect of my day as long as I make good choices to move myself further to my goals?

What would life look like if, instead, I woke up believing in my heart that my day’s itinerary was already known and plotted? I could live my day with freedom knowing it was all in my Father’s hands. Each encounter was appointed by God — unique God-given opportunities for me to interact with someone in a way that only I can do so that they know they are seen and loved. In those moments where I am feeling interrupted in what I am trying to accomplish, God has arranged a specific encounter for me to learn and or for me to bless. When I am feeling lost and frustrated, God has created a gap in my action to sit back and exhale, go for a walk and engage God in conversation seeking His wisdom on how to proceed or wait for insight. WHAT IF every day I believed God was in complete control, and all I needed to do was walk with Him, talk with Him, trust in Him, and be free in Him?

Lord, please give me the faith to trust you with my day, my health, my life. Please give me eyes to see and ears to hear. Give me courage to follow and fill me with your love, joy and freedom as I move through each encounter. May I recognize your hand moving and shaping from the moment I wake up to the time I fall asleep at night — resting in your care. Thank you for being in control. Thank you for forcing me to be silent so I could listen better to what You were trying to teach me. Amen.